I've thought over and over again about how to approach your death. There's always the promising lyrical ballad or a special character in a story, but I'm sincerely at a loss.
Losing a friend is, no doubt, a tough experience, but that certain trauma is elevated when the killer was herself. Her inner demons got the best of her. And now I can't see her anymore.
So I decided to throw on some tracks that we would listen to and began to reminisce on the good memories. This is a recollection of my late friend, Anita.
Backyard by Mad Caddies
Probably the earliest track that I can recall, Backyard was one of the tracks on the Mad Caddies' album "Keep It Going" that we played whenever we hung out with the crew. I liked to mess around with you because you were usually the only girl in the group, and you understood my sense of humor. You fit right in with all of us, and I was getting excited about learning more about you.
Now, whenever that song or album begins to play, I think of that cute smile and laughter you didn't shy away from showing. Especially when you pulled out the ukelele and started playing to our general annoyance. We didn't tell you to stop - perhaps because we all just adored you. The soft strums on that instrument echoed throughout the smoky room, trading lyrics and looks as we remained in a peaceful circle of friends and brothers.
Today by Jefferson Airplane
One day, you messaged me in regards to looking for new music to listen to. Knowing me, I went back to the 60s to look for an extraordinary song that went nicely with her tendency to be a hippie of sorts. It inspired her to draw something impressive, though I can't bring to mind what exactly it was. But the song represented her more peaceful and loving side. It's a slower song by her standards, but I remember her telling me that she enjoyed the tune. I don't know why but to me that was a big compliment. The mates would criticize my taste in music (mainly toward the synthwave playlists and anything from Bob Dylan), but she admitted that it was a great song, and I felt closer to her because of that.
I couldn't show her much after that due to moronic drama among friends, but I like to think she'd listen to that song and find a place in her soul to be at peace.
The sole image of you with your eyes closed as you listen to a song is stapled into my memory.
Redemption by Zacari & Babes Wodumo
One time, we all got super colorful and comfy that we threw on the Black Panther soundtrack and just relaxed on the couch, passing tea and passing time. I was thoroughly excited to listen to it since we were still on the big Marvel hype train to Infinity War, and everyone in that house was a big fan. The tracks were playing and we were vibing to it until I looked over at you and noticed that a dark cloud was overlooking you. I've dealt with the cloud before (still do) but it disturbs me to see it affecting others close to me. So I moved over to you on the couch and sat next to you, asking if everything was okay. You told me the truth, and I offered my shoulder. Easy breathing and easy being, we barely spoke and simply listened to the album, which was playing "Redemption" at this point in time. For a good chunk of the listening session, we remained in that position, and I didn't want to leave. It wasn't romantic or anything stupidly superficial - we were just in each other's presence at this moment. I felt pretty okay, and I hope you did, too. I know how it feels to be truly alone, but she didn't deserve half the muck that life struck her with.
I still don't feel complete, no soulful satisfaction from composing away the grief. Then again, 2020 was a harsh year (and 2021 isn't looking any better), but I wish she spoke to me about what was bothering her. I last sent her a message on Instagram, asking to hang out. And now with nothing to show for a response, I'll never know what she was thinking about when she was taking the coward's way out. I didn't go to the wake but I don't do wakes well, and all of our "friends" were going to be there, so it wouldn't have ended well. I'm still talking to them, but I have no hope. They stopped talking to me, and only started to get my attention again because of your death. A death in the broken circle of friends shouldn't reunite them to make things right. How can we make things right when you're gone? What's the use?
I hate that I spend my free time thinking about the past, but it gives me a chance to remember the good times that we had.
I'm happy we reconciled at the end, though. I'll see ya again one day, hun.
She sways and swirls
Swinging a light-up hula hoop
In the edge of nighttime.
Sitting and watching
We're all in amazement
As she dances to the beat.
I stare as her figure shifts
Emitting shapes and lines
Too bizarre for pure screening.
My eyes lose focus
And her movements form into
An electric butterfly.
The EDM tunes ring in-line with her routine
Creating electricity that mentally shocks me
I'm merely at a loss for words.
The tune concludes
And you sprung into final form
As we applaud the talented and lovely Anita:
The Electric Butterfly
