Typewriter Meat: Disgruntled Employee Smashes in Manager in Broad Daylight

Mistrop, Illinois. 7/28/2025.

Solomon Canterbury, 36, faces homicide charges for alleged murder today when reports broke out regarding a mishandled argument at Cultural Blabber Inc. in downtown Mistrop.

Michelangelo Niyami, 63, served as Communications Manager and Editor at Cultural Blabber for over a decade, with Canterbury working under his leadership. A disagreement on Mistrop city finance shares led Canterbury, according to witnesses, to verbally abuse Niyami in front of co-workers and certain superiors. Niyami fired Canterbury on the spot, though the latter returned two days later with an eerie agenda.

At 10:42 AM this morning, Canterbury stormed the front doors of Cultural Blabber Inc. on Country Street and and River Avenue with a typewriter. Security didn't register his identification due to the recent termination, which prompted Canterbury to enter the main editing floor where Niyami assisted weekday writers and image specialists with no halts. 

Without a beat to acknowledge Canterbury's presence, the former employee lifted the 1888 Scotsman Jr. Typewriter II and pushed its weight onto the back of the manager's head. With one blow, blood splattered on an employee's workstation (and the employee themselves), yet Niyami remained his stance with a slight bow. Red streaks ran down his ears.

Canterbury, enraged, swung down two more bangs, with the second sending Niyami down onto the desk. Each blow registered pieces of brain matter and skull into the vibrant vicinity; three employees yelled in fear while one fainted. Another called for police.

"You're an Editor, right? So, edit!" Canterbury shouted while driving the fourth and final contact onto Niyami's exposed head. Blood appeared on Canterbury's face when the authorities arrived, who reported that Canterbury walked without resistance.

"I don't understand, maybe he was just done with the guy and had to send a message. Sadly, this message is a one-and-done deal. [expletive] shame, it's a shame," an officer commented.

An eyewitness account touches on the cruel event. "Mon's always had a temper, we all knew that. But Canterbury was tough, too, you know? He'd send Mon a sheet of notes and expect fixes within a day. Maybe the pay was getting to him? Sure, but, I don't know. I never saw a typewriter bend before," she claimed. The witnesses wishes to remain anonymous.

As for Canterbury, he's seeing a judge next week for his actions. Stay tuned for more information.

- Marco Jimenez, Contributor

Bicker @marcojemenvc

VOCAL CONCERNS, ISSUE 710

----------

Image Credit: Annie Spratt (@anniespratt)

Self-Driving Madness: Independent Cab Kills Man in Robbery Attempt

 Mistrop, Illinois. 5/22/2025.

When Socrates Taxi Services announced that self-driving cabs would start roaming the streets, the metals in my fingertips began to tingle, startled once again at the sight of self-controlled vehicles let loose to the public. It's as if folks begin to disassociate themselves a week after a crime is committed, only to breathe some new air like a zen master ignoring the bleak corners of life.

But did everyone believe that Socrates Taxi Services (STS for short; not officially but because I don't want to type it out every single time) would present itself as a "safe and reliable service for the people and the future" for whatever it's worth? The answer doesn't matter much to me, time is short on my hands, but I will say that Jack character had it coming.

50, divorced, and desperate for some extra cash, Jack "Macca" Bechtel approached a Socrates cab on Roland Ave. with a loaded pistol in his left pocket. He stomped toward the driver seat, tapped the glass, and spoke aloud, "Shut down! Shut down now, you hunk of junk!" Witnesses watched as Bechtel tapped on the driver's window a few times before he pulled out the weapon. With no door handles to pull the Socrates vehicle open, Bechtel knocked on the window with the pistol's butt.

"Sir/Madam/They, please step away from the vehicle," the cab said aloud, according to witness. Look, I wasn't there, so I pulled all eyewitness claims to formulate this. Sadly, those preppy Maters and O'Briens over at PMH were quick to arrive on scene to report this all. So, yeah, I'm a little late to the party, but I digress, because the Socrates Taxi shifted its door handle into a pistol and fired three rounds into Jack's head.

He fell to the ground. Surrounding bystanders either fled or stared in awe, though screams uttered and terror filled the air. A blood puddle began to form, catching the attention of PMH, and some cheeky cop who gasped like a schoolboy who said "assface" for the first time.

"We apologize for any inconvenience," the Taxi said, withholding the weapon.