Self-Driving Madness: Independent Cab Kills Man in Robbery Attempt

 Mistrop, Illinois. 5/22/2025.

When Socrates Taxi Services announced that self-driving cabs would start roaming the streets, the metals in my fingertips began to tingle, startled once again at the sight of self-controlled vehicles let loose to the public. It's as if folks begin to disassociate themselves a week after a crime is committed, only to breathe some new air like a zen master ignoring the bleak corners of life.

But did everyone believe that Socrates Taxi Services (STS for short; not officially but because I don't want to type it out every single time) would present itself as a "safe and reliable service for the people and the future" for whatever it's worth? The answer doesn't matter much to me, time is short on my hands, but I will say that Jack character had it coming.

50, divorced, and desperate for some extra cash, Jack "Macca" Bechtel approached a Socrates cab on Roland Ave. with a loaded pistol in his left pocket. He stomped toward the driver seat, tapped the glass, and spoke aloud, "Shut down! Shut down now, you hunk of junk!" Witnesses watched as Bechtel tapped on the driver's window a few times before he pulled out the weapon. With no door handles to pull the Socrates vehicle open, Bechtel knocked on the window with the pistol's butt.

"Sir/Madam/They, please step away from the vehicle," the cab said aloud, according to witness. Look, I wasn't there, so I pulled all eyewitness claims to formulate this. Sadly, those preppy Maters and O'Briens over at PMH were quick to arrive on scene to report this all. So, yeah, I'm a little late to the party, but I digress, because the Socrates Taxi shifted its door handle into a pistol and fired three rounds into Jack's head.

He fell to the ground. Surrounding bystanders either fled or stared in awe, though screams uttered and terror filled the air. A blood puddle began to form, catching the attention of PMH, and some cheeky cop who gasped like a schoolboy who said "assface" for the first time.

"We apologize for any inconvenience," the Taxi said, withholding the weapon.